Like many Western middle-class individuals, my husband and I after 5 years of marriage decided that we were ready to start our family. We started “trying”, and were elated when we found out in the first month we were pregnant. We went to the doctor at 8 weeks and saw the little blip that makes your heart sing. We were even told by a health care practitioner that my husband need not come to the 12-week appointment, as our rate of miscarriage was nearly nothing now that we saw that magic blip. He was in a busy season for work, so it was a welcomed scheduling relief. As I drove to the appointment, I had wondered why I didn’t feel that nauseous or tired, but never having any experience otherwise, I just figured that wasn’t my story. I had planned his/her room, picked out a college themed onesie, told our families, and had composed an email waiting for the ultrasound picture to be inserted. When the technician bluntly stated, “I can’t find the heart beat and the baby isn’t moving” before leaving the room, I was physically in shock. I couldn’t breathe, and all I could think was “No God, please no.”
Peter Scazzero in his book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality calls this type of life crisis “The Wall.” He describes the Wall in the following passage, “For most of us the Wall appears through a crisis that turns our world upside down. It comes, perhaps through a divorce, a job loss, the death of a close friend or family member, a cancer diagnosis, a disillusioning church experience, a betrayal, a shattered dream, a wayward child, a car accident, an inability to get pregnant, a deep desire to marry that remains unfulfilled, a dryness or loss of joy in our relationship with God. We question ourselves, God, the church. We discover for the first time our faith does not appear to ‘work’. We have more questions than answers as the foundation of our faith feels like it’s on the line. We don’t know where God is, what he is doing, where he is going, how he is getting us there, or when this will be over” (Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, pg. 121). This was the first time I ever had to confront my wall.
I grew up in an upper middle-class family where I never wanted for anything. My parents worked hard and having a giving spirit was certainly a valued commodity in my house. What my own sin had done though is turn that comfort into a mentality where wants and needs were often lost, and I hadn’t really wrestled with God’s sovereignty and trust in that power. When we lost our first pregnancy, an anger and bitterness intermingled with sorrow that I had never experienced in my life. I went on a two-year journey with the Lord filled with not only self-discovery but a dying to self that was painful, powerful, and in the end, life giving.
At first, it was a painful, “But why not?” If God specifically says that this is a good thing, and a blessing to us (verse), then why would he with-hold. Like a spoiled child I literally stamped my feet at God for months in anger and disappointment.
Even as my heart began to soften, I remember having my first quiet time in 5 months, and thinking “this is the first enjoyment in being with the Lord I have felt in a LONG time”. It was very fleeting, however, and my struggle for understanding turned into a mixture of sorrow of what I could not have, bitterness over continuing on in life without a child, and disappointment every month when my period reared its ugly head.
There was no “logicing” my way out of this one, and I continued to wrestle with God like Jacob in the desert refusing to give in the struggle to “will” this away. I didn’t see it at the time, but I was locking horns with God over deciding what is “good” in my life. I’m sure we all have heard the popular verse from (verse) that says, “For God works for good everything for those who love Him and act according to his purposes.” So all I could think was, “What the heck God?”
It wasn’t until I reached a place of REAL surrender, by admitting to God, not out of defiance or self-will, that I was hurt, that I truly wanted this, and that his with-holding was completely confusing for my finite mind. BUT what I also had to tell myself everyday was that God is not finite, but infinite, he loves me infinitely, and trusting that was much more important than understanding.
My story ends much differently than some. Two years to the day after our miscarriage, our son was born (on the exact day we learned about the miscarriage 2 years before, with the same doctor delivering him, that had to give us the heart breaking news). God gave us the gift of seeing the thread through, and it has completely changed my life. In the depths of my despair, I got to see the depths of my sin. And faithfully God softened my heart to His ultimate truth. That I am FULLY known and DEEPLY loved, and even in the depth of my sin, God was saying, “Yes. There isn’t anything you can do to shock me or push me away…I already died for that, and that, and that, and that…” and trust me it went on and on.
Let me be clear: there is no real “end” to the pain I felt and I’m sure many women feel with loss of a child (in whatever form it takes). For me it became more about acceptance and acknowledgement of pain then “getting over it”. I think that’s the other thing that I never understood before my experience with grief and loss, that it’s okay for you to still feel the loss and pain and to be sad. In honesty by submitting to God but honoring my pain, in essence authenticated and strengthened my relationship with Him.
So my message to anyone struggling with this hurt is know that you are not alone, that your experience while not unique in content is unique in story and journey. That while friends can offer consolation the Lord desires to give you love and comfort. He wants everything you can throw at Him, he wants it honestly and with a humble heart. You can get through this.
Some resources that helped me through my processing are simply two books:
1. What Was Lost by Elise Erikson Barrett – she shares her story, the “medics” behind miscarriage and her faith journey through her wall.
2. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero – he speaks specifically about a deep faith that learns to process and use our emotions in a healthy and productive way with God.